“LETTER FROM BLUE FLAMES”
I wrapped my life around you. Opened my mouth for your tongue to slide into. Let you bite my lips with a sex-crazed fierceness until I tasted blood. Faintly. I let you breathe on my bare skin and bury your head in the hollow of my neck.
Gave you my all. I let you pour yourself into me. I drank your sweat. I held you.
You told me you love me. That you regret loving me. You said you wished you could turn back the hands of time. You told me you wished you could be as bold and blind in your love for me as I am in mine for you.
You told me to expect heartbreak. You gave the names of two deadline months. They are too far away; I would die inside long before then. I begged you to break my heart earlier than that. You agreed. You asked me if it would change my love for you. I looked at you and smiled. I turned and left. My echoes I heard all the way downstairs.
I got into the middle of a roaring street, where life from the night city assailed every bit of me, and suya-tinged winds knocked tears into my eyes. I would trek home because the little money I had, I had used it in coming to see you. As my legs clobbered the darkened roadsides faster than my tears clobbered my cheeks, I feared ramming into the open throats of the city’s gutters. Gutters rank with death. Death of everything once good and beautiful…
…And then it came to me, like the guttural engine grind of a motorcycle growling past, how you used to call your love for me “forever”. How it was fierce and filling and freeing. Now…it is fizzling, frigid and… just as fierce.
That was when my eyes turned blue. A roarless, dying, beautiful blue. A blue that meshes things together, a blue that runs like liquid… That spreads.
I remembered the fiery nights of making love. Oh. I’d thought it was “making love”. Now. Now that love has taken out the pebbles in my eyes, I see that it has always been “fucking”. Simply, easily, “fucking”. Two different bodies, unjoined, unbound, getting pleasure and nothing else.
Tears are snapping into my throat. My heart is tom-toming. This love that I have placed too much on, will definitely be my undoing.
The blue is swallowing me. The sky’s black, starless and scarless, stoops over my head like a liturgical hand, to bless me. But I duck. I can’t hold up my head for the blessings. The phantasmagoria of the past hour is reeling inside my head like a heavy film. It is consuming me. I am alive.
Alive in these blue flames.
I wish you happiness. I wish you love in another.
You asked me to promise you that I won’t cry. To promise you that I will find love again. To promise you I will forget you.
Yet it is you who led my heart to the edge of a cliff and broke it with a gun. “Kpoaa!”
Yours no more,
– AKINSANYA AYOSOJUMI ADENIYI
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